Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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