You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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