'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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