Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
