roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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