why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
