I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
