Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
