I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
