im drinking this country out of the recession.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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