She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
