Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
