If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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