so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
