Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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