i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
