no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
