So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
