The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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