Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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