Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
