Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
