Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
