thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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