I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
