My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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