quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
