At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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