I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
this hospital has no fireball
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
