Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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