my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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