Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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