C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
