my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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