I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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