She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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