What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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