the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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