I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
