it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
