Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
