we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
