How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
