All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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