Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
