My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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