then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
