there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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