I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
