Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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